I just want to cuddle someone till things get inappropriate tbh.
lykke li // “unrequited love”
& i know it so well
i could play it by ear
looking back at myself
while the violin plays
& blue is my tune
another stitch to my wound
another inch in this dwell
i know it all too well when
o n c e a g a i n it’s happening
oh, my love is unrequited
lykke li // “possibility”
know that when you leave
by blood & by me
you walk like a thief
by blood & by me
& I fall when you leave
so tell me when you hear my heart stop
a guy i had a really really really big crush on in my non-western art history class, who i thought had an attraction for me as well, told me today—on the last day of class before the final— that he has a girlfriend that he’s been in a relationship with for a year.
it was just shocking and really saddening and disappointing. i genuinely sincerely like him. i knew as soon as i recognized that i had developed a crush on him that it’d be a problem, and i was right.
i wanted him to teach me to paint with acrylics and stretch canvases and be little fuck buddies this summer since he lives here & i’ll be living in my apartment this summer, but that’s not gonna happen now.
i’m extremely bummed about it. i’m just listening to somber lykke li songs & attempting to practice some stoned yoga & i keep attempting not to but ultimately crying on my mat in lizard pose.
i feel really pathetic, but it’s just how i feel.
and i’m listening to “unrequited love” and it just reminds me how i have always been dumped by whatever significant other i’ve had and how my two best guy friends friendzoned me because they just don’t want to be with me romantically even though i honestly know them better than they know themselves… it just makes me feel very hideous and as if i have an excruciatingly annoying personality and that i’m not very likable/lovable. so my love goes unrequited even though i know i’m a very good, loyal lover. and i love little things about people that they think no one notices because i’ve always yearned for someone to feel the same way about me and the little things i care about that i feel are unnoticed.
but no one cares. and the ones who thought they did realized they really didn’t care enough so they dumped me.
it’s just fucking with my already extremely low self esteem, an issue i’ve dealt with for, literally, the majority of my life. i remember the earliest moment i felt sorely ugly and inadequate in kindergarten. k i n d e r g a r t e n. i don’t even think that’s normal, but i have a great photographic memory and i recall moments and experiences very well and the memory is nothing like a scene from a movie i’ve ever seen.
and mean “joking” insults my roomies taunt and make about me prick my skin like a million needles. and they see i stay quiet, and say, “bambi, don’t take things so personally. it’s just a joke.” but it’s one of many constant jokes, and i feel the only way you can find such mean things to say to someone humourous must mean whatever you’re saying has some truth to it. and it just pits my core and yanks at the weak strings holding my weary heart together.
idk. idk. idk.
i’m obviously a grotesque oafish nuisance that people just deal with since i persistently put a lot of effort to be really nice to people .. it’s like they deal with me out of pity… not even courtesy, just pity. pity for the ugly nudnik.
k i’m gonna sulk a little more, do some more yoga, then head to the drawing studio, even though it’s currently 2:18 am and i’ve been up since 2 am yesterday.
it’s finals next week and i still haven’t finished a single piece for my series.